Blood-drenched Beard : A Novel (9781101635612) Page 33

  What do you want with me? says the old man.

  It is his father’s voice.

  I just wanted to meet you.

  Have you come to take me away?

  No, I’ve just come to see you. I’m your grandson.

  Are you, now? The old man gives an amused snort. How interesting.

  He leaves the flashlight turned off on the log next to the sphere of granite and starts taking off his backpack. The old man tenses.

  I’m just going to get something out.

  He rummages around until he finds the little mirror. It is cracked all over, and the image he sees of his own face is a completely disfigured mosaic. The old man laughs again, more heartily this time, as he runs his hand over his face and beard, trying in vain to remember what he looks like.

  I’ve doubted my image in the mirror, the old man says, but this is the first time my image has doubted itself.

  The old man looks serious again. His bare, gnarly feet tap the hard earth floor a few times. The wild girl brings a clay mug of some kind of tea and hands it to the mulatto woman, who in turn places it in the hands of the old man. He noisily sips a little of the hot liquid and hands the mug back to the mulatto woman.

  He puts the broken mirror back into his backpack, pulls out his wallet, opens it, and takes out the photograph of his grandfather. The beard is gray, and the man is smaller, shrunk to half his size, but it can only be him. He hands the photograph to the old man. In the meantime, the dog has finally decided to squeeze through the opening. She faces the rocking chair and starts to growl.

  The old man doesn’t notice the dog. He has stopped laughing and is staring at the photograph. His eyes jump a few times from the picture to the face of the younger man in front of him, and his expression slowly transforms into something more perplexed and threatening. He finally places the photo on his lap and signals for him to come even closer.

  He approaches. The mulatto woman gets up from her stool and takes a step backward.

  The old man raises his skeletal hand to his face, and he notices that his little finger and ring finger are missing. His remaining fingers are soft and warm, and they trace his cheeks, nose, and eyes. The old man draws his hand back and looks confused.

  Are you real?

  Yes. I’m your grandson.

  The old man rubs his eyes, squeezes the tip of his own nose between his thumb and forefinger, and tries to look again, incredulous. He starts breathing heavily through his nose.

  You didn’t even know you had a grandson, did you?

  You shouldn’t be here.

  The mulatto woman takes another step back.

  I’ve been trying to discover what happened to you for months, Granddad. Everyone thinks you’re dead. I met Santina.

  This isn’t right. You shouldn’t be here.

  The old man fidgets a little in his chair and shakes his head, repeating no, no.

  The girl who was lying down sits up and looks around in alarm. Her face has some kind of deformity that is hard to make out in the dark. The mulatto woman crouches and makes the two girls lie down again.

  The dog barks once, twice, three times, and only now does the old man notice her.

  Dad died at the beginning of the year. Your son.

  Out.

  Fine, I just—

  The old man gets up from his chair and seems to unfold into a man twice as big. His right hand hangs nervously, a short distance from his body, holding a knife. The mulatto woman hugs the two girls and watches the scene over her shoulder.

  There’s no need for that. I’m leaving.

  The old man quickly reaches to one side and turns out the gas lantern.

  He manages to grab his arm in the dark but feels the knife nick his waist. He hears Beta lunge at the old man’s leg. He shouts for him to stop, but it is obvious that he won’t. The girls all scream at the same time and then play dead. He and the old man fall onto the rocking chair and then the kitchen shelves. The embers in the stove are the only source of light in the cave, and he tries to push his grandfather in that direction. The old man doesn’t make a sound, just keeps his bony body tensed and keeps attacking tirelessly like a banana spider trying to catch its prey so it can fill it with venom. He manages to shove him onto the hotplate, breaking free of his clutches for long enough to charge toward what he believes to be an exit. He gropes the walls of rock but can’t find the opening he came through. A sliver of lightning illuminates the other two openings in the cave, and he throws himself through the closest one. He finds himself on a small promontory, which must offer a view of the valley during the day but is now no more than a parapet to nothing. Afraid the old man will come after him and attack him at any second, he takes off running and tripping down the slope without seeing anything in his path until he runs into the fence and jabs his hands and thighs on the barbed wire. He cries out in pain and is relieved at the same time because from there he can run to the bottom of the valley, to the creek, to the beach.

  After putting some more distance between himself and the cave, which makes him feel a little safer, he stops to get the knife with the armadillo-leather handle out of his backpack but realizes that he’s left the backpack behind along with the dog. Her name sticks in his throat. Calling out will reveal his whereabouts. The adrenaline is slowly metabolized, and his instinct to flee is replaced with paralysis. He wants to go back to find Beta but doesn’t know where he is anymore. The sound of the sea reverberates against the walls of the valley. He touches the place where he felt the knife tear his skin, on the right side of his stomach, and has the impression that it hasn’t done too much damage. But it hurts. He starts walking, heedless of the direction, so as not to stay still while he tries to decide what to do, and slips down a small bank and falls into the creek. The direction of the small current allows him to deduce the approximate location of the sea and the sides of the valley. The couple in the tent have a gas lantern. They must have a knife, another flashlight, maybe even a cell phone. He clambers up the slope, praying for more lightning, tugged at by reason on one side and fear on the other. He has the constant impression that the dog has caught up with him, and it is only now, as he reaches the trees on the ridge, that his companion’s absence starts to sink in. Finally he works up the courage to shout.

  Beta!

  He shouts a few times with his hands on either side of his mouth. His calls are lost in the invisible valley.

  He keeps looking for the tent among the trees. He can see better with his eyes closed, as if surprised at night by a blackout in his own home. The baby’s crying has stopped, or maybe he isn’t where he thinks he is. He calls the couple’s names, but there is no reply. The trees start to thin, and he picks up his pace in the hope of finding some reference point under the open sky.

  A flash of lightning illuminates the cliff, his foot stepping into the void and a stormy sea that is chaos itself extending out on all sides. When everything goes dark again, he is still beginning to fall, and it is only in the middle of the descent that he realizes what is happening. He thanks the lightning. He almost died unseeing, like a blind man. Or perhaps the vanity of death knows no limits, he thinks, and even to the blind, it reveals itself at the last instant so that they’ll think about it as it happens. On his way down, the vision of the vortex of waves and foam that will swallow him is emblazoned in his mind with hyperreal clarity, the ocean that he so adores showing its most private and destructive facet, revealed to few men. When he is about to hit the water, he closes his eyes tightly, as one inevitably does when diving.

  In the water there is no indication of the ferocity he had glimpsed on the surface. His body is already decelerating when he arrives at the slippery-smooth rocks on the seafloor, and he becomes aware that he is suspended in the muffled murmur of the cold sea, softly rocked by the current. He had learned from his older brother how to duck under the big waves to get past t
he wave break. No matter how big the wave, Dante had taught him, dive down close to the ocean floor, and swim toward it as fast as possible. The wave will suck you under it, and you’ll come out the other side when it breaks. If you try to swim back, it’ll come crashing down on your head. If you try to dive into it too near the surface, it’ll pick you up and toss you into the blender. You’ll break your back or get sliced up by the corals. His brother was already a good surfer as a kid, but he didn’t like surfboards himself. He preferred swimming. The first thing he does now, instinctively, before trying to return to the surface, is study the forces of the water until he can say with some certainty in what direction the waves are breaking. He swims a few strokes in the opposite direction to the waves, comes up for air, and returns to the bottom, trying to avoid being dashed against the rocky headland.

  The bottom is silence. The water is protective and slows time.

  But the surface is hell. Trails of foam appear on all sides, covering his head, and salt water runs down his throat. He grows breathless, freeing himself of the running shoes and jacket that are restricting his movements. He can’t see the moon or stars or anything else that might help him get his bearings. His body is lifted up to the crest of waves and then sucked down to the bottom of troughs, and he can’t make much out beyond this rise and fall. The clash around him involves familiar natural forces, but there is no easily perceived arena for it. He is an insignificant piece of meat, adrift.

  The first flash of lightning after the fall doesn’t illuminate anything besides a large uniform cloud that covers the entire dome of the sky and contrasts with the black horizon. He needs to choose a direction and swim parallel to the coast until he comes to a beach. The salt stings his eyes. The strength of his arms seems useless against the violence of the waves, but he knows it isn’t true and that if he takes the right current and swims in the right direction, he’ll be able to get away from the headland and make it to the sand, even though it may take hours. For the first time he is calm enough to detect the cold that is working its way deeper and deeper into his body. He needs to establish the right pace, which will keep his body warm and allow him to continue swimming for however long is necessary.

  Terror rises in him when he imagines reefs and sea creatures or entertains the idea that he might be swimming in the wrong direction, moving away from the beach, with firm, regular strokes, into an overwhelming vastness from which there will be no return.

  The rest of the time he focuses on swimming, breathing, signs that might help him keep going in a straight line that will take him somewhere. He reaches a point where he doesn’t believe he is in any more of a predicament than the other times he has swum long distances in Olympic swimming pools or participated in ocean races with hundreds of other athletes. It all feels quite familiar, like those two miles of the Tapes Open Water Swim that he completed with cramps in his thigh, or the hypothermia he had in the middle of the bike ride that almost got him eliminated from the Ironman in Florianópolis. There’s a right cadence for every race, and an athlete must pace himself and pay attention to style, the path of his strokes, and the rhythm of his kicking, and above all, he must focus and stay focused on the swimming until his mind and body are one, which enables him to become one with the water and there is no longer any need to focus. Everything he has experienced previously seems to have prepared him for this. It is the race he has trained for his entire life. The imagination can be an ally at times like this. He imagines competitors beside and directly behind him. Only the best swimmers in the world. The leader, whom he wants to pass, is kicking his legs right in front of him. All he has to do is swim in his wake. His mind believes it, and his made-up opponent becomes real in no time, a man of flesh and blood who feels the same cold and the same weariness, a companion. He can almost touch his feet with his fingertips. And when this particular fantasy dissipates, he imagines other things. That he is being chased by giant sharks or leviathans the likes of which no one has ever seen before. That if he pauses or slows his pace, he will be zapped by lightning. That he is leaving death behind. That a quiet, loving woman is waiting for him on the sand of the beach, a woman who doesn’t look like anyone he has ever been with but has nothing extraordinary about her. She greets him without surprise, lets him lay his head on her sand-covered thighs to rest for as long as he requires, and says that they need each other, that they will always want to fulfill each other’s wishes and will be able to, without exception. He can tell she is speaking the truth. She brushes his temples with her fingertips and asks what he wants. He babbles that he doesn’t want much, just that her legs be warm to the touch in the winter and cool in the summer, and that they have a runny-nosed little girl who scrapes her knees as she tears around the house, and that there be a view of a lagoon that turns golden in the late afternoon, even if from afar. Above all that she remain warm when he is cold. That’s all. Then it’s her turn. Tell me what you want. She tells him, and he says yes to everything and asks what else, what else? It is an interminable list of things, and promising her each of them brings him infinite pleasure, no matter what they are. He gives her everything, one thing for each stroke of his arms, begging her not to stop, obtaining from this the strength he needs.

  TWELVE

  Someone shakes him.

  Hey! Hey!

  He opens his salt-sealed eyes with difficulty and is blinded by the light. The person helps him lift his torso.

  Sit up, man.

  He shades his eyes with his hand and sees a muscular man crouching in front of him, dripping with sweat, barefoot, wearing only shorts.

  Are you okay?

  He is gripped by a fit of convulsive coughing, almost vomiting, but nothing comes out. It doesn’t last long, and as soon as it is over, he tries to get up but can’t and falls back into a sitting position. He looks to both sides, and all he sees are two strips of white sand blazing in the sun. Behind the man is a light blue sea of docile waves.

  What’re you doing here? What happened to you?

  What beach is this?

  Siriú.

  The Siriú next to Garopaba?

  Is there another one?

  He starts laughing and coughing.

  Would you like me to call someone?

  No, no, he says, pulling himself together. Help me up?

  The man grabs him under his arms and sets him on his feet.

  Have you seen a dog around?

  No. What happened to you? Did you drink and go for a swim?

  I fell in.

  You look like Tom Hanks in that movie, man.

  It’s stopped raining.

  It’ll be back soon. It’s been raining for almost a month.

  What day is it today?

  Wednesday.

  I mean the date.

  I think it’s the fifteenth.

  Of what month?

  October.

  The man puts his hands on his waist, glances to both sides, then stares at him with a tilted head and squinting eyes.

  Man, you need help. Stay here. I’m going to call someone.

  He shakes his head and makes a gesture to say it isn’t necessary. His eyes have adjusted to the sunlight, and now he can see the houses on Siriú Hill to his left, and, to his right, in the distance, Garopaba, stretching all the way to Vigia Point. His tongue is swollen and salty in his mouth, plastered with thick saliva. He feels a twinge of hot pain near his waist and groans. He lifts up his wet T-shirt and sees a white cut in the middle of a reddish oval.

  Did you hurt yourself? Do you remember what happened?

  More or less.

  Did someone attack you?

  It was nothing.

  His arms are covered in scratches, and his pants are torn at his thighs. He runs his hands over his face, hair, and beard.

  You haven’t got anything on your face, says the man.

  What about you? What’re yo
u doing here?

  Running. I’m training for a test to be a lifeguard. It’s part of a course.

  When is it?

  In December. It’s best to run barefoot in the sand to get used to it.

  He puts his hand on the wound on his stomach and starts to get up but falls back in a sitting position again, breathing noisily through his nose. He swallows saliva as a reflex, but his mouth is dry.

  You wouldn’t happen to have any water there, would you?

  Nope.

  No problem. Have a good run.

  The man watches him without moving.

  You can go, thanks.

  You sure?

  Yup.

  Wait here, and I’ll give you a hand on my way back. Or I can let someone know in Garopaba. Is there someone who can come and pick you up?

  It’s not necessary.

  Take it easy with the bottle. It’ll do you in.

  The man walks backward a few steps, then turns and runs along the sand toward Siriú.

  He crosses his legs and sits there awhile, feeling the sun on the top of his head. He doesn’t remember arriving at the beach but is able to recall vivid fragments of the whole previous night. It seems rather like a dream, like the Fata Morgana that Jasmim saw too. He remembers Beta, and a sudden sigh, deep and long, is born in the middle of his chest and leaves his mouth with a sticky smack of saliva. He needs to go back to look for her, but he won’t be strong enough for a few days, and deep down he doesn’t really believe that she is alive or can be found. But he’ll go anyway. Judging from the height of the sun, it must be about nine o’clock in the morning. He can almost hear the sand drying in the dunes behind him. The tide is high. He still has a white cotton sock on one foot. He has to place both hands on the ground in order to lift his hips and stand up. He starts walking very slowly toward Garopaba. His joints all hurt. He is halfway down the beach when he hears someone shout behind him. It is the same man who woke him up, running back along the sand.